Fortean Bureau-- The Odaeneid by Toiya Kristen Finley

The Odaeneid
By Toiya Kristen Finley

Let me tell ya little story 'bout a god named Zeus;
he looked for gods and mortals to seduce.
But when he schtupped every female he could see,< br> he packed up his crew
and moved to Italy
(Rome that is).
Now the whole party's chillin up on the Seven Hills.
Screwin with mortals, that's how they get their thrills.
Gods punish those who do right or wrong,
but they'd get more done, if they could get along.

--Muse Ak, Forgotten Tenth

In the SUV-bungalow at the edge of Olympic Trailer Park, a crashin and thunderin and lightnin rumbled within. Still steamed over the "Golden Ball Incident," goddess grey-eyed Athena Minerva took "Cerberus Playing Poker" off-a Aphrodite Venus's living room wall and hurled it. Aphrodite Venus, goddess of things erotica, stuck the golden ball in her Wonder Brassiere and ducked behind the love seat.

"You didn't really spring out of Pa's head," Aphrodite Venus teased. "He just told you that cuz he can't remember who yer ma really is!"

Athena Minerva, grey-eyed goddess, kicked over the coffee table, and the sacrificial fruit offerin flew across the room in a shower of bananas, figs, oranges, cherries, and kiwis. "That's a lie, and you better take it back fore I ram you with my here spear!"

On the other side of Olympic Trailer Park, Hera Juno, half asleep, rolled her eyes and poked at the spot where Zeus Jupiter, lightnin hurler, was supposed to be. She expected him to be gallivantin at some strip club as a mist in the showers but was surprised when she punched him in-a his bulgy back.

"Leda--" Zeus Jupiter murmured.

"What?" Hera Juno, chronic PMSer, popped up, fully awake.

"Oh, uh, Hera Juuunoooooo."

"Aw, git up, ya sleazy-eyed hound dog. How can you sleep with all-a that racket? Make yourself useful and tell them two girls of yourn to SHUT UP."

Zeus Jupiter wondered what in the world them two girls coulda been a-doin at two a. m. He knew what Aphrodite Venus might be up to makin such noise, but suerly not Athena Minerva. Athena Minerva, bein a virgin and all, wasn't into that sorta thing. At least not yet.

The goddess of things erotica grinned at her pa behind the door chain. "Oh, I'm so happy to see you! Whyn't you stay a spell?"

Thinkin they were throwin some party, Zeus Jupiter was happy to join, on the condition that some nice nymphs or lasas were invited.

"How come you didn't tell me about yer little shindig?" He opened the door and saw Athena Minerva with her spear blade at Aphrodite Venus's neck. The daydream of lambadain with lasas fadin, the lightnin hurler shook his head. "Are y'all still upset over that golden ball thing?"

Aphrodite Venus, goddess of things erotica, wrapped her honey curls round her fingers. "Athena Minerva lo-ost! Athena Minerva lo-ost!"

"'Thing'?! Pa, it did start a whole war. Ya know, the one over yer little mortal daughter?"

"Okay, okay, you're right, Athena Minerva. But you two gotta be quiet. It's two a. m., and people gotta get up and give prophecies, pick up worship offerin's, and cause general nuisances in the lives of mortals. We gotta get some sleep. Since y'all are so hot and bothered by it, why don't you girls work together--deal with this whole Trojan War thing?"

Athena grey-eyed goddess Minerva slammed the butt of her spear to the floor. "Hades no, Pa! How can the goddess of wisdom work with the embodiment of stupidity?"

"Hey, I like my body!" Aphrodite Venus objected.

Lightnin hurler shook his head. "Y'all figure it out. I done decreed it." He left Aphrodite Venus's SUV-bungalow and started back to his sports shanty but decided to visit the showers at Kitty Korner instead.

Athena Minerva, chin in hand, paced the erotic goddess's livin room. Aphrodite Venus, hummin to herself, put "Cerberus Playing Poker" back on the wall, picked up her coffee table, and rearranged the sacrificial fruit offerin. Then, as Athena Minerva turned on her heel and faced Aphrodite Venus, the goddess of things erotica reached down her Wonder Brassiere and pulled out the golden ball. With a smug smile, she a-placed it on the table.

Athena Minerva fought back a frown and grinned. "If Pa wants us to work together, I know just the thing. Let me kill yer wussy little son Aeneas. Man, I get so tired of all-a his whinin. 'Look at the Trojan blood! Look at the Trojan gore!' I'll show him his own gore."

Aphrodite Venus pouted. "If you get to kill Aeneas, I get Odysseus."

Grey-eyed goddess Athena Minerva couldn't stand for godlike Odysseus to fall at the hands of the bouncin-boobed bimbo. "Wait wait wait. Let's not kill either one of 'em."

"Where's the fun in that?"

"Haven't you ever had a favorite play thing? Don't break it til ya get some use outta it."

"But I wanna kill Odysseus!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Athena Minerva, godd grey-eyed ess, said, "I promise not to screw Aeneas if you don't screw my boy. Now, let's make a truce, okay?"

Aphrodite Venus's eyes a-shined, and she shook her head so hard her curls a-sprung up and down. "Fine by me!"

Grey goddess eyed put her hands on her hips and cocked an eyebrow. "Now, wait a minute. You didn't think I'd let this go that easy, did ya? YOU gotta piece of prosperity with that stupid golden ball. I want some of it too. I gotta idea."

Aphrodite Venus sank on the love seat and sighed. "You always do."

"We'll use your whinin, snivelin, cowerin son to show you're somewhat competent, and noble Odysseus will glorify my name. Now, we need all of this recorded, and the right authors have gotta do it." Athena Minerva picked up goddess of things erotica's ivory phone. A half unconscious Apollo Apollo answered.

"Tell me some great authors of the future. Me and Aphrodite Venus are gonna be the most favorite goddesses in all-a history, and we need some writers to take down all-a our marvelous deeds."

"Athena Minerva, do you know what dern time in the mornin it is? I gotta get that there sun up in a-coupla hours. Iffa I don't, you know all of them mortals'll just think it's the end of the world or some nonsense."

"If you don't tell me, god of the stoned oracles, I'll just have to come over there and impale you on my spear!"

"Alright! Alright! You virgins sure are testy." Apollo Apollo snorted himself awake. "Lemme see. Great authors… Great authors… Well, you got yer Voltaire, Homer, Albert Camus, Stephen King, Italo Calvino, Virgil--"

"That's it!" Grey-eyed goddess slammed the phone on its cradle. "Homer was great with that whole Trojan War episode. For that, he gets to jot down Odysseus's exploits. Of course, he won't be able to do a thing without my help."

"What about my baby?" Aphrodite Venus asked, throwing a banana at Athena Minerva.

"Some guy named Virgil'll take care of that. I'm sure he'll do a decent enough job."

Later in the mornin, Athena Minerva and Aphrodite Venus knocked on Calliope, Muse o' epic poetry and such's, door. At the time, Muse Ak, Forgotten Tenth, was caulkin her sister's storm windows in the basement. The voices of the three upstairs came a-muffled through the glass panes, but Muse Ak stood on her toes and looked out the window. She saw Calliope's dirt-patched front yard, splinters of the boards at the bottom of the porch, and the pink gossamer of Aphrodite Venus's robe slippin through the cracks. "Didn't you say you had a bad case of writer's block? Gotta story for ya," came Athena Minerva's voice. "You dun gotta story fer me? Wait a spell. Who I gon give it to?" Calliope asked. "Apollo Apollo said these guys Virgil and Homer are gonna be big someday," Aphrodite Venus said. "And," Athena Minerva added, "You helped Homer do a good job with the Trojan War bit." "Yeah, I was the one who dun inspired him," Calliope, Muse o' epic poetry and such, grinned. Athena Minerva said, "We're gonna have some fun with our two boys, and all you gotta do is write what you see. We took a few notes for ya so you'll know what to expect." The front door closed upstairs, and Muse Ak giggled. Here was her chance to prove she was just as talented, if-a not more so, as her nine sisters. The other muses were so limited. Just poetry, or just hymns, or tragedy. Muse Ak specialized in all the arts, and she'd make sure to leave her signature on this new project behind Calliope's back.

She waited until the Muse o' poetry went to the bathroom, and then Muse Ak snuck into Calliope's office. Amidst the floor-to-ceiling stacks of manuscripts, paper carpetin the floor, and discarded ink wells and wine bottles, Muse Ak found Athena Minerva's and Aphrodite Venus's notes. Real borin stuff, as far as Muse Ak could figure. Lines and lines of this guy and that guy a-givin up the ghost. This guy and that guy a-fallin off a ship. This slutty mortal and that slutty goddess seducin Aeneas and Odysseus. Athena Minerva and Aphrodite Venus weren't no writers--their stories were predictable. And knowin Calliope, she wouldna be able to add no spice. Muse Ak started a-writin her own notes for Aphrodite Venus's and Athena Minerva's boys. When she saw Calliope, Muse o' epic poetry and such, a-comin out the bathroom, Muse Ak ran outta the office and into the kitchen to grab a fryin pan….

When Homer, bowed over his empty sheets, invoked the Muse, Calliope, notes in hand, sat next to him. In her palm she held poetry dust and blew it in Homer's face. "Write down all thou seest," said she, "and I will tell thee the story of godlike Odysseus and his journey from Troy."

While Calliope, Muse o' epic poetry and such, was putting Homer in a trance, Muse Ak came up behind her and knocked her over the head with a frying pan. Then did Muse Ak, Forgotten Tenth, take her sister's place. In her hand she held her special blend, and blew it in Homer's face. "You, great Homer, shall not be restricted to Calliope's lack of inspiration.

Now you shall also be graced with the hymns of Erato, the tragedy of Melpomene, and the dance of Terpsichone."

"Meanwhile," Muse Ak whispered in Homer's ear, "Odysseus was sailin to Ithaca. He whined and dined with the Phaiakians, tol' 'em how he got sidetracked and shacked up with Circe, went down into the Underworld, ticked off a Cyclops, got six of his men eaten by Scylla, and lost some more when his crew decided to eat Hermes Mercury's cattle."

Then Homer saw godlike Odysseus standing on the shore with the great sea crashing at his feet. "Thank the gods Athena looks out for me," he said. He arched his back, broadened his chest, and in a booming baritone sang:

I've had my hard times

but fools have bought my lines,

and now I'm on my way!

Those punks are gonna pay!

So long I've longed for my Ithacan shore.

Now that I'm here

those kids are gonna fear

my prowress and wrath

as they take their blood bath!

And since I'm not a wuss like Aeneas,

it'll be easy to do this!

When Virgil, bowed over his empty sheets, invoked the Muse, Calliope, notes in hand, sat next to him. In her palm she held poetry dust and blew it in Virgil's face. "Write down all thou seest," said she, "and I will tell thee the story of pious Aeneas and his journey from Ilion."

While Calliope, Muse o' epic poetry and such, was putting Virgil in a trance, Muse Ak came up behind her and knocked her over the head with a frying pan. Then did Muse Ak, Forgotten Tenth, take her sister's place. In her hand she held her special blend, and blew it in Virgil's face. You, great Virgil, shall not be restricted to Calliope's lack of inspiration.

Now you shall also be graced with the hymns of Erato, the tragedy of Melpomene, and the dance of Terpsichone."

Muse Ak flipped through the notes and didn't find most of Odysseus's story too interestin. Hmmm. Let's see, she thought. Last time we left off, Odysseus was bawlin on Calypso's shore, and Aeneas was whinin over Troy when he reached Carthage. Athena Minerva and Aphrodite Venus talked Big Daddy Zeus Jupiter into tellin Hermes Mercury to fetch the boys and send them hurtlin towards their destinies. Odysseus was ready and willin to go, but that's borin. So, Virge, here's what happened to Aeneas and Dido. Virgil started

a-daydreamin, and in a clouded vision, he saw two maidens a-weepin and gnashin their teeth in front of a temple altar. He dipped his quill in the ink and started to write down their words, but when the first maiden stood up, pirouetted, and started a-singin in a sultry mezzo-soprana, Virgil wasn't quite sure how to take down the notes:

Maiden 1: I've just heard the most terrible news.
Our queen is dead, and Aeneas vamoosed.
Could you please explain?
Why was she so wrongly slain?

Maiden 2: I'm sure you know Aeneas left her all alone.
She would have graciously shared her throne.
But that violent man got up and fled. He had no interest in a
marriage bed.

Maiden 1: But what did-o Dido do-do?
Did she beg him to stay?
Or did she simply threaten him?
That is the Carthage way.

Maiden 2: No, my dear sister. It's much worse than that.
Her passions overtook her
and squashed her senses flat.

Maiden 1: Then what did-o Dido do-do?
How come she's dead?
Did she cry herself to death
in her bed?

Maiden 2: No, my dear sister.
That's somewhat sweet.
Instead our lovely queen
treated herself like a piece of meat.
In the temple, she plunged the sword in deep.

The first maiden, eyes a-shinin with tears, looked up at her sister and asked, "So that's the end?" And the second girl, wipin snot on her sleeve answered, "I'm afraid so my friend." Then both maidens wrapped their arms around the other's shoulders and belted out, "And that's what Dido did-o do-do!"

"Now," Muse Ak whispered in Virgil's ear, "Juno wasn't too happy about none of this. She went stompin up and down the hallowed halls. 'That little mama's boy Aeneas just made a mockery of my Carthage! Of course, Jupiter ain't gonna do nothin bout it cuz that's his little golden boy. Guess I'm just gonna have to do this by myself.' And she skipped round the throne room singin:

I'm gonna stab Aeneas in the back!

Aeneas in the back!

I'm gonna stab Aeneas in the back!

Tra la la la la.'"

Aphrodite Venus is pretty unoriginal, Muse Ak thought to herself. All she done is steal Athena Minerva's plot. "Hey, Virge, you remember readin Homer, dontcha? Aeneas went through a lot of the same stuff Odysseus did."

Then Virgil saw pious Aeneas standing on the shore with the great sea crashing at his feet. "Thank the gods Minerva looks out for me," he said. He arched his back, broadened his chest, and in a faltering tenor sang:

The gods have said it thus

if that is so, I must

build a new Trojan home

and we'll no longer roam.

I really don't know

how I feel about this

but that's not important, I guess.

To Italy I have to go

cuz Mommy and the gods have told me so.

At least I'm not a liar like Odysseus,

so it should be easy to do this!

While Muse Ak was a-ruinin all decent forms o' art, other gods learned of Athena grey-eyed goddess Minerva's and Aphrodite Venus's plot. Since pee-us Aeneas was such a good boy, he had a pretty easy run to Rome. But not everybody was happy to see Aeneas so successful. Athena Minerva and Aphrodite Venus lounged in lawn chairs in the Olympic Trailer Park courtyard sippin dateade. Circe ran into the yard, scatterin the chickens with dust eddies swirlin at their feet.

"I just read over this here script," Circe, turner of men to pigs, waved the paper above her head, "and I gotta objection!"

Athena Minerva raised her sunglasses and rolled her eyes. Circe blocked her sun. "What is it, pig girl?"

"How come in your version I told Odysseus to go by Scylla? Odysseus lost six of his men just like I said he would. But in Aphrodite Venus's version, some little mortal twerp told Aeneas to go by Charybdis, and he didn't lose no men! You showed me up with a mortal!"

"But Aeneas is a good boy, Circe. He couldn't lose any men, hee hee hee."

"Did you hear that bouncin-boobed bimbo? You can't allow this, Athena Minerva. Punish Aeneas!"

Grey-goddess eyed took a sip of her dateade, hmmmed, and flipped down her sunglasses. "Nah. I'll allow it. That's what you get for turnin my favorite owl into a man!"

"'Kay, Homie," Muse Ak whispered, "here come the best part. Right when Odysseus gets to Ithaca, Athena Minerva appears to him." Homer bent over his empty scrolls and waited for the vision to come clear.

'It's about time you showed up!' Odysseus says.

'My dear boy,' says the grey-eyed goddess, 'didst thou know that I was with thee all the time? While thou makest the most of thine costumes, mine art better.'

'Okay, goddess. You got me there. Now let's go kick some butt!'

'Take thee a moment to hear what I hath divined. Thou shalt be in disguise, and take the suitors by surprise.'

"For some," Muse Ak said, "it's the wrong day to be the bad guy. 'Bad' in the eyes of mortals, cuz us gods will mess you up whether you've been good or bad. But don't believe me. Ask Antinoos and Eurymachos, them two guys who were tryin to hump Odysseus' wife all this time." Antinoos and Eurymachos stood on the banks of the River Styx, and while they awaited for death to take them in, they crooned their lament:

When you're static, you know you'll get it

Cuz one-track minds get killed off all the time.

Were we supposed to let our Penelope grow old alone?

We shoulda wedded Penellie long time ago;

but we were lazy--right in line with our roles.

Odysseus with his ego trip ripped us into little bits.

People will be on his side you know

Cuz 1D characters never steal the show.

I've got those underdeveloped character blues.

"I have reclaimed my home!" declared triumphant godlike Odysseus. "The gods sure do like me! I just hope they weren't too hard on Aeneas."

"'Kay, Virge," Muse Ak whispered, "here come the best part. Right when Aeneas is ready to fight for Italy, Aphrodite Venus appears to him." Virgil bent over his empty scrolls and waited for the vision to come clear.

'MOMMY!' Aeneas says.

'Thou art my son,' says the goddess of things erotica.

'Mommy, where have you been?'

'Thou art my son.'

'Mommy, do I have to go through with this?'

'Yes.'

'Okay.'

'Thou shalt raise up a great race on this land.'

'But the Italian tribes kinda wanna keep their land.'

'Thou shall kick their hineys. Now, Aeneas, thou shalt be a great example for thine generations to come.'

'Mommy, wait! Come back! Can't I just hug you?'

'No way! I mean, I must fly, fly away home.'

"The great Italian warriors," Muse Ak said, "stood on the banks of the River Styx, and while they awaited for death, Camilla and Turnus crooned their lament:

If we had known that it's better to be flat,

we wouldna shown such personality.

Were we supposed to let our Italy go?

The gods should have stayed in Greece;

that would have left Italia in peace.

Aeneas is void of feeling and emotion.

Does that set the gods' favor in motion?

If I had known the way of the gods,

I would have been a mental log.

I've got those overdeveloped character blues.

"I've regained my home!" declared

triumphant pious Aeneas. "The gods sure do like me! I just hope they weren't too hard
on Odysseus."

Proud of her two epic poems/dances/hymns/tragedies, Muse Ak, Forgotten Tenth, returned to Olympic Trailer Park with fryin pan in hand. Calliope, Muse o' epic poetry and such, dragged behind her, clutchin the grapefruit-sized knot on her head. Muse Ak, arms outstretched, was ready to announce her masterpiece and proclaim herself worthy of the family name. She yelled across an empty courtyard, "Gods and goddess--!" But nobody peeked outside their windows or made a peep. "See, ya moron," Calliope hissed behind her, "nobody cares bout the mess you made."

"Don't nobody wanna hear how I fixed Athena Minerva and Aphrodite Venus's clumsy little story?"

Athena grey-eyed Minerva goddess bolted outta erotica goddess's SUV bungalow and grabbed Muse Ak by the collar. "What you know bout that, hack?"

"Hack? Hack? You should be thankin me. I interpreted everythin," Muse Ak said. After the hootin and hollerin, the whole pantheon a-wondered bout the commotion and formed a circle round the tiff.

"All written now." The Forgotten Tenth grinned.

Calliope nodded and removed her hand from her forehead to reveal the huge lump. The other eight muses fell to the dust in hysterics.

"You idiot!" Eyed goddess-grey wailed. "It was ingenious. You ruined it!"

"How you know? You ain't never seen nor heard my epic poems/dances/hymns/tragedies!"

Apollo Apollo, 'tween fits of laughter, said, "Singin in epic poetry? Ain't no singin in epic poetry."

Bulldog anger rose to Muse Ak's cheeks. She stuck her hand in her pocket and got a good handful of her special blend. "I'll show you what it's like," and blew dust on them. But these were gods, not no mortals. They pointed their fingers at her and laughed even harder.

Muse Ak muttered some unmentionables, grabbed her cell phone, and made a quick call. A man carryin a toolbox and wearin overalls suddenly appeared up the road and walked through the entrance of Olympic Trailer Park. The gods didn't pay him no mind and kept to their laughin, but he headed straight for Muse Ak.

"D'Ellis X. Mechanic, these here gods done made fun of my genius, and I'd a-like to give them a little payback." She stood on her tippy toes and whispered somethin in his ear.

"You got it, Muse Ak," D'Ellis X. Mechanic said. "'Sides, this story's gone on long enough." He took a screwdriver and monkey wrench outta his toolbox and raised them over his head like a conductor. The entire pantheon formed into one great line. The shortest congregated on either end, and the tallest in the middle. Like they were on some stage in a cantina, they kicked their legs in unison to a stream of words a-pourin out their mouths, words they never done heard before:

We're gods, and we're sadistic!
We're gods; we're really twisted!
Playing lots of cruel tricks,
that is how we get our kicks.
Why are we so mean to man?
That's just why!
Because we can!
One second we're nice,
and then we're not.
So kids, sacrifice a lot!
We're gods…
gods…
gods…
and we're sadistic!
We're gods; we're really twisted!

So loud was the song Muse Ak a-forced them to sing and so often did she make them a-sing it that it could be heard round the world by all the other gods. It came a-sweepin down the Nile, and crashin cross the pyramids, and the Egyptian gods got it stuck in their heads. It slipped from their mouths even at the most serious a-times, while they weighed hearts and feathers or searched the land for pieces of Osiris. Aztec gods wailed it in the rain forest and hummed it in front of their priests at sacrifices. The Norse gods rang it through Valhalla til all the dead heroes rolled around on the floor in agony at the off-key notes.

To all pantheons' dismay, the little ditty conquered the globe. Muse Ak couldna find nobody who knew she wrote the epic poems/dances/hymns/tragedies--they only knew she was responsible for that blasted song. The Forgotten Tenth tried to remind everybody what had brought on the inspiration for it in the first place, but nobody could remember why Muse Ak became so pop'lar.