Permanent Fatal Error
By Kenneth Brady

The Seventh Circle server was down again, and Satan was pissed. Virgil put the Prince of Darkness on hold. He stood up and peeked over the wall and into his supervisor's cubicle.

"Guess who I got stuck with," Virgil said. His thick southern drawl calmed most normal people down, but Satan was not normal. Hell, he wasn't even people.

The supervisor, Bea, put her call on hold and smirked around a cigarette and yellow teeth. "The Great Worm of Evil himself? You get all the fun ones. Want a lost soul? Should be an easy trace and return. Trade ya."

"Thanks," Virgil said. "You're a worthier spirit than me." He clicked the hold button. "Sir," he said, "are you still there?" He held the receiver away from his ear as Satan screamed. "Of course you're important to us. Just don't get yer panties all in a bunch, Mr. Lucifer. I'm transferring you to my supervisor. Have a nice day."

Bea put on an exaggerated smile and clicked on line one. "What can I do for you, sir?"

Virgil sat and cleared his throat. He clicked over to line two. "Inferno systems tech support. Main surface branch office. How can I help you today?"

There was a brief delay while the translators processed the message. Then came the reply, simple, with an Italian accent. "I'm lost."

"Yes, sir. Can I get your name?"

"Dante."

"Just a moment, sir." Virgil pulled up the name on his terminal, and scrolled through thousands of entries until he found the one Dante that blinked red. His status was listed as "permanent fatal error."

"Alighieri?" Virgil asked.

"Si," said Dante. "I was on my way to the Center for work and now I'm stuck in the forest, and there are large menacing creatures who will not let me pass."

"Those are some nasty firewalls," Virgil said. "Stay away from them."

Damn, he thought, this guy was part of the glitch when the Seventh Circle server went down. The computer showed he had been in transit from the Sixth to the Seventh -- on his way down for some assignment -- and now he was lost in the dark woods between. Damn computer errors. A lost soul, a ghost, stuck between servers. Well, Virgil would just have to lead him back around the firewalls.

"Beyond them I can see where I must eventually go," Dante said.

"Yeah. Can't get there from where you are," Virgil said. "You'll have to go around."

"Tell me how, please."

Virgil pulled up a map of the routes Dante could take. Everything was backed up because of the crashed server. It would be best to get him up here to tech support, closest to the surface. From here there was a direct line, and he could run the straight path down the pipe to the Center.

"Go down the path of least resistance," Virgil said. That'll lead you to node seven-six-two. It'll be like a glowing blue tube. Grab onto that and you'll bypass all the other Circles and come up here. My supervisor will have to take you from there, but we'll get you to the Center."

"Okay," said Dante. "Grazie."

Virgil disconnected. He hoped Dante could find the node. Every other way was blocked, and he'd surely get lost even further if he didn't make it up here first.

A moment later, an apparition appeared on Virgil's screen. An old man with a gnarled white beard and deep set eyes.

"Mr. Alighieri?" Virgil said. "Glad you made it."

"Si," said Dante. "And from here I can go anywhere?"

"That's right. This leads to all places. We have a direct line in and out of Hell."

Dante looked relieved.

"Let me get my supervisor and we'll get you home." Virgil popped up and looked over the cubicle. Bea was still on the phone with Satan. "Beatrice, honey? Can you help me out here?" She motioned for him to wait.

He sat down and regarded the screen. Dante was gone. His image on screen, his file, everything. Two pages popped from Virgil's printer and he picked the first one up.

"I'm sorry," it read. "I hope I don't get you in too much trouble, but I'm not going back down there. The working conditions are intolerable for one such as I, used to Florence and the freedom of creativity. The Emperor of the Universe of Pain is an ass, and the worst employer imaginable. I hear Santa Monica is nice. Perhaps I can find a career in this Hollywood I've heard so much about of late. Arrivederci."

"Oh, shit," Virgil said.

"Consider it a promotion," said the King of Hell. "You're on your way down from the world."

"It wasn't my fault," Virgil said.

"You brought my Chief Systems Operator up to the surface and then let him go back to the land of the living. Whose fault is it, then?"

Beatrice looked over the cubicle wall. "Busted," she said.

Virgil groaned. It figured. Years of faithful service, and he got kicked down the ladder for one little error. Chief Systems Operator for all the Center Servers? Promotion, Hell. There was an eternity of suffering ahead of him.

Virgil packed up his few belongings: his Inferno Systems coffee mug, his little water bottle with its fan-attachment -- he'd need it -- and a photo of him at last year's Halloween party, dancing with a minor demon named Malacoda or something like that. She was hot. Maybe he'd look her up.

He picked up the second page Dante had printed and tacked it to the cubicle wall. It said, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."

"No shit," said Virgil. "Work is Hell."

The End

Story copyright Kenneth Brady, published by the Fortean Bureau
http://www.forteanbureau.com