|
|
 |
| Sick Days Excerpts from CDC Special Pathogens Branch Case File # LM35268 Personal Correspondence of Patient Zero Date: Mon, 1 Sep 2003 08:26:44 (EDT) Hi Jose, So, guess who's out sick again? I swear to god, that receptionist manages to come down with every last flu bug I get. I shouldn't be so surprised, actually, since she set it up yesterday the way she always does when I've been out sick. She stops by my office first thing, before the phones start up. "Hi Karen, how are you feeling?" "Oh, much better, thanks, Diane." "So, um, did you have a sore throat?" "A little bit, yes." "Uh-oh. Yeah, I was afraid of that. My throat is getting sort of scratchy." "Oh dear." "Yeah. Were you stuffed up?" (I'm not kidding, Jose, as she said this her voice got all muffled sounding as if she was suddenly full of phlegm.) "Not really, no. More of a headachy, bodyachy flu." "Oh, no, me too!" (Her voice was no longer phlegmy, either. I was pretty disgusted with her at that point, so I decided to add a bit to the illness, just to see if she claimed those symptoms, too.) "Oh dear. Do your ears hurt? I had an awful earache with this last flu." Her face was crumpling and she was honestly looking very sick at this point. When I mentioned the ear thing she winced and covered her right ear with her hand. "Yes, horribly." she sighed. "Well, I'll try to make it through today -- I'll take some aspirin." "Drink lots of fluids, Diane. I hope you don't come down with it too -- it was a nasty flu." She nodded, still holding her ear, and left my office. And today -- voila! Diane's out sick! So, what do I do about this sort of thing, Jose? It seriously fucks up my day, having to do both bookkeeping *and* answer phones all day long. Do you ever have any trouble with the sorters out in the plant? And here I thought that having a job with unlimited sick days was going to be a good thing! Should I tell the manager, tell him I find it suspicious, or is that being horribly insensitive? If she's honestly getting sick every time I am, well, she's got a near non-existent immune system, let me tell you. We don't even come in that close of contact most days! Anyway, thanks for letting me blow off steam. It's just so frustrating. So, tell Maria to bring the recycling reports directly to me today if I'm not at reception; I might just put up a sign and forward the phones to my office if Jon will let me. I've got a ton of bookkeeping to do today and it's a real pain to try and do it away from my own desk. Thanks, Karen Mitchell Date: Mon, 1 Sep 2003 09:02:28 (EDT) Hi Karen, No, it doesn't sound to me like you're being insensitive, though I'm not sure about sitting down and talking to her about it. To tell you the truth, I've been suspecting something was wrong with Diane myself. Remember when Maria was out for two weeks? The day after she came back, Diane did the exact same thing to her as she does to you -- asked how she was feeling, got a list of symptoms -- and immediately came down with strept throat, even though Maria was completely cured at that point and had been for over a week -- she was only out so long because her kids came down with it too and she had to stay home with them. I thought it was pretty strange at the time. My advice is to start keeping track of her illness -- maybe buy a calendar and keep track of who has what sickness when -- so when you want to sit down and talk to her (or, maybe, talk to Jon about her if it's really bugging you) you can easily point out to her that she comes down with every last bug that comes through the office, even when she hardly comes in contact with the person at all. Anyway, good luck with that. It's so hard to find good employees, and I know Jon is otherwise pleased with Diane's work -- everyone who comes through the office just loves to stop and chat with her, and you've got to admit she's a sweet person. Maybe there's something seriously wrong with her immune system; you've got to be careful these days not to be too insensitive in the work place. Tricky situation; I'm sorry you have to deal with it. So, it looks like I'll be the one bringing over the reports tonight -- Maria is leaving early for her kid's soccer game today. Since I'll be over there anyway, maybe we can leave work together this evening, grab some dinner on the way home? I don't get to see enough of you at work, being stuck out in the plant all day. Adios, Jose Gonzalez Date: Mon, 1 Sep 2003 13:41:57 (EDT) Dinner sounds nice, Jose, but I'm not sure it's completely appropriate. You know how I feel about dating coworkers. Oh, and thanks for the info about Maria. I didn't know that! Great advice all around. I'll definitely start up that calendar thing you suggested. Part of me wants to keep trying to exaggerate my illnesses. Maybe next time I'll come up with something horribly embarrassing and see if she has the nerve to claim the same thing . . . Hm, ok, let's get dinner tonight. But it's NOT a date, understood? Karen Mitchell Date: Mon, 1 Sep 2003 13:44:47 (EDT) Understood (about it not being a date). Does Thai sound good to you? Oh, and I like the idea about the embarrassing illness. Just try not to let it get around out in the plant -- a few of the workers suspect I'm into you (and they might be right -- shhh!) and I'd hate to have them think badly of you :-) Jose Gonzalez Date: Tues, 16 Sep 2003 06:09:22 (EDT) Hey Jose, Ugh, I think I have food poisoning from dinner last night. That's what I get for "grabbing something quick" instead of going out with you, huh? Heh. Uh-oh, gotta run. Hope to be in tomorrow! - KarenDate: Tues, 16 Sep 2003 09:58:36 (EDT) Karen, I'm so sorry you're feeling badly! Yes, you should only go to restaurants with me, or, better yet, have me cook for you, so you'll never get food poisoning again. Is there anything I can bring you after work to help you feel better? Guess who was asking about you when I popped into the office this morning, wanting to know what you're out sick with today? Should I tell her anything or do you want to do it? This was the conversation, more or less: Diane: Hey Jose! How's it going? How does she even know to ask me about it anyway? Hugs, Jose Jose Gonzalez Date: Tues, 16 Sep 2003 15:14:39 (EDT) Jose, if you don't mind bringing me by some chicken noodle soup or something equally easy on the digestive system, that would be excellent. Thank you. Don't tell Diane anything. I don't know how she knows about us, except maybe you're standing a bit too close to me at work these days? Just a thought. Don't get me wrong -- I like it -- but I think people are starting to notice our casual intimacy. Anyway, I'm going to describe this one to Diane in excruciating detail when I get back. It was nasty enough as it is, but I think I'll add a little uncontrollable diarrhea or something to spice it up for her. We'll see what she does with that! Karen Date: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 11:23:51 (EDT) Hey Jose, Don't read this email on your lunch break. You've been warned. Sure enough, Diane was at my desk first thing this morning, already looking green around the jowls. I didn't even make her draw it out of me this time -- I laid into her with full detail. The only thing I left out was that it was most likely food poisoning. I didn't say it wasn't, I just didn't let on that I knew it wasn't a catchable bug. "Well, it started off with horrible nausea." "Oh, no," Diane said, and her body started to heave. "But I didn't throw up -- I couldn't!" I said, before she upchucked all over my desk. She immediately stopped spasming. "Then the abdominal pain -- I could feel the illness creeping through my intestines, until I was doubled over in pain on the toilet, desperately trying to let it out of my body. It was as if something had taken over and was crawling through me," she was starting to double over at this point, of course, "I was covered in a cold sweat that dripped off me and puddled on the floor." (This last was true, btw, it was fucking painful yesterday.) Diane impressed me. By this point she was crouching in front of my desk, groaning and dripping sweat on the floor. Her shirt was soaked through. I almost stopped, but it was so damn fascinating -- she was so suggestible, and she managed to sweat like that -- so I went ahead and told her the bit I made up. "But the worst part, Diane, was when I gave up on the toilet and went to lie down on the couch for awhile. I wasn't halfway there when I had a bout of uncontrollable diarrhea. I didn't even make it back to the bathroom." Then Diane groans, and a loud gurgling sound and a horrible smell comes from her body, and she runs out of the room! I'm not kidding, Jose, I think I made that girl poop her pants! Actually, I'd feel kind of bad for her if I wasn't so sure she was faking it somehow. I thought I'd call her bluff with the embarrassing stuff, but she seems determined to get whatever it is I have, even if I didn't actually have it or it wasn't contagious to begin with. Anyway, that's why Diane went home "sick" today. I'm not sure I can write this down on my "sick record" calendar, though -- I mean, I was sort of leading her on . . . What do you think? Karen Mitchell Date: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 12:32:07 (EDT) Wow, I'm glad you warned me in that last email. Nasty! I can't believe she's so determined to prove she's sick that she's willing to shit her pants! You know, I think you need to call her bluff on this. Tell you what -- you should take a couple of vacation days next week, but pretend you're out sick. When Diane asks me what you're out sick with (which she always does these days, it seems) I'll tell her some seriously fucked up shit -- maybe tell her the symptoms of some rare disease or bubonic plague or something she really wouldn't want to get. Oh, I got it -- we'll tell her we're afraid you came down with the Ebola virus. That's the one they've got in Africa, that starts out somewhat like the flu but leads to fun stuff like bleeding from every orifice. If this girl can start bleeding out of her eye sockets when I tell her this, well, then good for her, I guess; she can take all the sick days she wants. But I think this one will stump her good. What do you think? Love, Date: Wed, 17 Sep 2003 13:03:42 (EDT) What do I think? I think it's horrible, awful, mean and not a fair thing to do to my coworker. Is next Thursday good for you? Lv, Date: Thurs, 25 Sep 2003 14:58:59 (EDT) First of all, thanks for last night, darling. It was glorious, wonderful, amazing. You're one hell of a sexy woman. Wow. So, I took Diane aside and told her that you had severe body aches, fever, headache. She immediately started scrunching over and sweating. I couldn't believe how quickly she started sweating, Karen. I mean, I never doubted you, but somehow seeing it for myself was totally different. She's good at faking being sick! Wow! I almost wonder if she gets anything done on her numerous "sick days" or if she has to spend some time getting over her hypochondria. Anyway, just to sweeten it up a bit, I told her that your uncle, who had just been on safari in Africa, may have come down with the Ebola virus, but we're hoping that you didn't catch it when you had dinner with him this past weekend. Yes, I know you don't have an uncle, let alone one who would travel in Africa, but she doesn't know that, does she? I told her all this confidentially, as if I trusted her not to spread it around the office, and I managed to sound worried about you. Do you think she'll google Ebola and come down with the rest on her own? I'm curious to see if she's going to go that far or not! Oh, and I had a talk with Jon today. He asked me how it was going with you. Then he kinda slugged me in the arm and complimented me on catching you. See? I told you that you're the prettiest woman in the office. Do you believe me now? Anyway, talk to you soon. Love, Date: Thurs, 25 Sep 2003 15:08:26 (EDT) Lover! Heh. Well, I'm glad Jon approves of you "catching" me. You're a pretty good catch yourself, you know :-) I'm glad you're finally getting to see first hand the shit Diane pulls! It was kind of ballsy of you to tell her outright that it "might be" Ebola! I can't believe she didn't suspect we're fucking with her, especially since she knows you and I are close. Oh well. I seriously doubt she'll manage to bleed from every orifice -- if she looks it up online, she'll see that it takes 2 - 21 days to get to that stage anyway (not that realistic incubation periods have ever been part of her mode of operation). We can't exactly tell her it's happening to me, can we? What about when I come back on Monday perfectly fine? Anyway, keep me informed. You coming over tonight? I miss you today. Love, Date: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 10:45:02 (EDT) Ok. Yeah. Um, so, sweetie? She did it. I didn't even tell her you were bleeding out every orifice, either, though I was thinking about how to phrase it when she started to. She asked how you were doing, if we thought it was Ebola and all I got out was "Yeah, I'm afraid it might be" and blood started seeping out her eyes like red tears. "Oh my god, Diane, are you ok?" I asked her. Blood trickled out her nose, the corner of her mouth, her ears. It was pooling on the reception desk, staining the reports and running towards the edge. I looked over the counter and saw that her grey chair was stained dark and wet with blood. So, I called an ambulance. I mean, I had no choice, right? It's pretty crazy around here right now, with medical personnel running around in haz-mat suits. All the sorters are wearing every piece of protective gear they can get their hands on. They don't know what it is, but they're treating her on-site and won't let anyone leave. I think they've called in the CDC, too. I'll write more when I know more. I think they want to question me now. What the fuck am I going to tell them? Lv, Date: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 10:47:45 (EDT) Holy fuck. I don't know what to say, other than holy fuck. I mean, she's not really contagious, is she? This is just a precaution they'd take for anyone who was bleeding out of every orifice, right? She can't be contagious -- there was never any exposure to Ebola to begin with. Shit. I'm going to get canned for this, aren't I? Fuck fuck fuck. Keep me informed. Love, Date: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 14:33:56 (EDT) Karen, sweetie, I don't know how it happened, but there's been an Ebola outbreak here in the plant. Jon's secretary has come down with it, as well as a couple of the sorters from my shift. The CDC is here saying it might be a mutation that can be transmitted airborne instead of via exposure to blood or bodily fluids, which is usually the case. They've quarantined the entire block, Karen. People are getting sick really fast around here. It's fucking scary. I'm so sorry, sweetheart, but I had to tell them what we did. I don't think they took me very seriously as far as us making it up is concerned -- they keep asking about your uncle and don't believe me when I say I made it up. They're sending a unit out to your apartment, though I told them you weren't actually sick. I think they might quarantine your building or something. I'm so sorry, Karen, but I didn't want to cause trouble by pretending I didn't know how this might have started. I'm not feeling well myself. Kinda headachy and body achy. God, I'm so afraid I might have caught this thing, whatever it is. I'm not sure I'll be able to email again -- it's hard to sit up right now, I just want to lie down. Don't worry, though, sweetie -- there's lots of experts here taking care of things. I'm sure I'll be ok. Gonna lay down for awhile now. Take care, Karen. I love you very much. Jose The End Biography
|
Current Issue | Previous Issues | About Us | Submissions | Contact Us | Support | Blog | Feedback